I am not alone

These past few months have went by quickly at times and sometimes seemed to crawl. It has been a time of many ups and downs for me. I have been in the valleys of culture shock and some days it takes its toll. For those who may be unfamiliar with the term culture shock, I would describe it as when your heart and mind realize that you are no longer at a comfortable place (home) and decide that you need to get there as fast as possible because you cannot bear the reality you are in any longer. It goes from frustration to daily changes to full blown anger or depression at times. I had the assumption that this time coming back to the mission field would be easier due to us already knowing what to expect culturally and such, and it has for the most part. But for me culture shock has hit me in a form of depression and stress. Because I'm more of an introvert I tend to want to isolate myself when I'm stressed. This can make it difficult when I'm home with the kids and all I really want is to be alone.

I don't say this to worry anyone or for sympathy. Actually I think it is good for others to see that life is not always perfect for anyone. Sometimes we put people we perceive as happier or better than us to be perfect. But in actuality all of us have struggles. No one is perfect, if we were then we would not need Jesus! To work through this culture shock I have started working out regularly, which helps with my stress. I have also been reading God's word and praying regularly. There have been many tears and also many laughs. One thing I am sure of is that I am not alone. God is with me, always! I love the song by Kari Jobe "I am Not Alone." On the days when I'm down and feel like I'm in this struggle alone, God quickly brings that song to mind and tells me He is near.

I have also been feeling guilty because my kids have seen me struggle and seen my distance from them due to it. Lorelei asked Ellie the other day while I was fixing her hair, "Is mommy still happy or angry again?" I asked her why she would say that and she said, "Because your always angry in the morning!" This broke my heart. It has been an adjustment going from working to being home all the time again. Sometimes I feel like a part of me is missing. But I love my kids and never want them to feel like a burden. I am trying to adjust and trying to be the best mother and wife I can and God is showing me to rely on Him when I feel like I'm not enough. He is showing me to see the joy in life and stop focusing on the hardship. I am reading the book "You and Me Forever" by Francis & Lisa Chan and I read this excerpt after having that discussion with Lorelei: "Following Jesus means that we put aside our personal desires and trust that the end result will be better." It goes on to say, "Jesus spoke about more than feelings and emotions. He spoke of literal sacrifices that would disrupt our lives and possibly end them."

I really needed to hear this! Sometimes I have this mindset that if it is hard then maybe it is not right.I miss my family a lot and feel tremendous guilt over not being there for special events, holidays, etc. But I know and readily remember God calling not just Justin here but me too! I know this is where I'm supposed to be and God will help me adjust.

God has also been showing me such grace during this time. This He has been doing through my wonderful husband! Justin has been there for me in many ways. He has been a sounding board for me and makes me laugh when I feel like crying. He holds me as I cry and shows me grace when I am frustrated and not so pleasant. He truly is an example of Christ's love to me and I love him very much! We just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary and I can honestly say that he represents the biblical picture of what marriage should be. I am working on being the best wife for him and am excited about the future and how God will use him here in Estonia.

I will continue to press on. I will continue to choose God and His love daily. I will continue to let Him mold me and make me the mother, wife, and child of Christ He wants me to be! Thank you for the prayers and love each of you send to our family!

 Braeden and his friend playing at Lorelei and Ellie's birthday party

 One birthday girl

 And our other birthday girl with her friend and Kayla

 Two of my princesses

 My gift for our anniversary a beautiful new ring

 We went to Finland for the day for our anniversary and went to Sea Life. Here are the sea horses.

 Ellie having fun at Sea Life

Lorelei smiling with the fish