Since being home, much has
happened in our lives. Justin first thought God wanted him to pastor a church
so we began looking for one in the area. We quickly found one interested and
began to pray and seek God’s will. For all that have sought God’s will you know
it is a tricky thing and hard at times. We however felt that this was God’s
will and were excited and happy to be starting our new stage of ministry. The
kids needed more time for adjustment to America so we pulled them from public
school and continued to home school them.
Things were well and the church
assured us they shared the same vision we had for ministry for outreach and
reaching the lost. After Lorelei was born however something changed and I
cannot really put my finger on it, however through the months that followed it
became apparent that those who had the most control over the church did not
agree with the vision and plan we had discussed prior to us taking the position
at the church. As you can imagine this made it very difficult for any change to
happen and as a result we began to pray and seek God’s will of how to handle
this. It continued to deteriorate at the church and we realized that despite
our efforts we would be doing more good for the church by leaving rather than
staying in a situation where our understanding of God’s will for our lives did
not match up with the leadership’s view of how the church’s future was headed.
You can imagine how heartbroken
and upset we were with this outcome. We really thought we would be at this
church for years to come when we accepted the position. Maybe we were naive. We
were definitely unprepared and not told the whole truth about the history of
the church. Looking back there were many things that could have been different
but placing blame and trying to see what could have been does not change the
past. We have just had to move on and
accept the past for what it is.
During this time, we bought a
house in Terrell. The reason for this was that it was as close to the church as
we could get and stay within our price range for a house. We were in the house
for about four months before we began to realize things were not getting better
at the church and we needed to look at other ways to support our family. I
began to look for a job. I went back into nursing. It took me a while to find a
position but I finally got one in Mother Baby, which I love. At first I worked
at a hospital in Tyler, which I would have stayed at but the one and a half
hour drive began to get to me and I was falling asleep on the way home. Thankfully,
after working in Tyler for three months I got a position closer to home. My new
position allows me to work days, is closer to home, and allows me to be in the
delivery room at times as well as work in Mother Baby. I really cannot call my
position a job because I truly love it so much. It is stressful at times but I
love working with new and old mom’s and helping them transition into motherhood
for the first time or fourth time.
Justin during this time stayed
home with the kids then he got a position at a school in order to be certified
as a teacher in secondary math. With us both working we had decided to try
public school again and, with Justin working at the school, the kids could go
to the school district he was working for. With this, he and the kids were all
commuting an hour each way to school. The smaller girls were being passed from
family member to family member until we found someone to watch them from her
home. Everyone was fussy and exhausted. We quickly realized this was not going
to work and decided to look and try to get back to what would work for everyone
and decided for Justin to stay at home with the kids and for me to work. With this,
we also decided that our kids could get a better education and more attention
if they were home schooled.
Therefore, that is where we are. Since
Thanksgiving break the kids have been home with Justin and have began their
curriculum for the year. Ellie and Lorelei have also been home and have been
more grounded and able to flourish due to this. Our family is more grounded and
we are able to spend quality time together, which is better than anything money
could buy. We are very blessed!
We have also joined a local church.
We began visiting the church back in June after leaving the other church. We
really liked it and began to pray if that was where we needed to be. We joined
at the end of July and have been there since then. The kids have flourished
there and have made several friends. Kayla had a sleepover with some of them
for her tenth birthday in October. (Yes, she is ten!!) My how time flies.
We still both feel very lost here
in America. Really it stems from we feel unused as far as ministry is
concerned. We feel at times as if maybe we took our own path instead of God’s
when leaving the mission field. While I know, we are human and make mistakes I
also know God does not and we are here for a reason. I just wish I knew what
that was. I really feel at home at my new job and know that that is a big part
of why I am here. However, I also know God has big plans for Justin and will
use him in a mighty way. I struggle with this because I feel at times that I
may hold him back because after everything that happened at the church I was
hurt, and angry. I hardened my heart to outsiders and most importantly hardened
my heart to God. I did not know why this was happening and instead of turning
to God, praying, and seeking His grace to understand and forgive, I chose to
hold onto the past and let it grow inside me and hinder my relationship with
God. God has really been speaking to my heart recently and telling me it is
time to let go of the past. I cannot move forward unless I forgive, give it to
Him, and trust Him to provide me with the grace to move forward and trust He
has a plan. In addition, God has been showing me how incredibly blessed we are.
Despite everything, that has happened this past year, we have a beautiful home
to live in, an incredible family, four beautiful miracles that He has entrusted
us with, an incredible relationship with each other as a couple, and most of
all the forgiveness for our sins through Jesus Christ! I do not know if it is
the Christmas season that helped to soften my heart or if it was the continuing
tug of God telling me He missed me and longed for me to seek Him and surrender
to Him again, but I have decided to do just that. I cannot hold the anger inside anymore, I
have decided to forgive not only those who I saw as the problem and reason for
things not working at the church, but most importantly myself. I think in my
walk as a Christian that is one of the hardest things to do. Forgiving others
comes easier than forgiving myself. I think this is satan’s way of holding us
captive. God wants us to be free, and tells us to ask for forgiveness and it
shall be given to us. He does not promise our lives will be easy, but does
promise He will not put more on us than we can bear.
I have decided to hold true to
this and give my anger and mistrust to God and surrender to His will no matter
what that is. We are praying together for God to show us where and how He wants
to use us in ministry. Neither one of us knows what that may be. We both know
that our focus right now is growing our family and nurturing our kids. Raising
our kids in a Christian loving home and placing God’s word in their world. That
is our ministry right now. Please pray with us as we seek God’s will for our
future. We may never again be the leaders of a church; we may never again be foreign
missionaries, who knows what our future holds. Only God knows that, but in
order for us to be a part of the future He wants, we must be willing to trust
Him and surrender to Him and Him alone. I can finally say I am ready!!
God use me as you will, thank you for the many blessing you have given
in my life, please forgive me for my unbelief and mistrust in you, I see now
that you were there all along, beside me holding my hand, and you are here
right now helping me to move forward. Thank you God for being such a wonderful
Father, provider, comforter, healer, and friend. I love you and have missed you
greatly, it is good to be at your side again. Amen.
Ellie holding Lorelei for the first time
Kayla holding Lorelei
All four of our miracles
Lorelei Elisabeth Owens
Us at the fair this year
Justin and I
Halloween this year
Having fun