Even if You Don't

These past few months have been a time of adjustment and searching for answers for my family. We have been grateful to have family and friends that have made our adjustment home welcoming. But we still find ourselves searching for how best to serve God and feeling unused at times. I have been working and Justin has been looking for a position but still we are left waiting and sometimes that can be frustrating.

On top of all of this I have been having some things medically going on with myself which have left us in and out of doctor appointments with many tests but no answers yet. One of the possible diagnoses is one that is quite alarming to me. I became obsessed with looking up everything I could about this disease and getting even more anxious. The symptoms continued to add up and I finally got to the point where I broke down to God while praying and asked him for peace. That if this was what he was giving me I had no strength to carry on but I know He knows what is happening and He has a plan but I need peace.

That next day I was updating a friend who had been praying for me and a new friend to me came in and asked who had this disease I was speaking of. I advised her it may be me. Then she proceeded to ask me my symptoms and such. I became visibly upset when describing the symptoms and she noticed. I asked her if she knew anyone with this disease and she stood up, hugged me, and whispered in my ear that she had the disease I was referring to. I immediately felt peace and knew that God had arranged that moment to give me peace. I thanked her and told her this and she shared her story with me and offered support and to be available to me if I had questions.

With all of the unknowns and unanswered prayers in my life right now I cannot tell you how much hope that one answered prayer gave me. She was used by God as a shining light in my life that day. I pray that I can be a shining light of hope to others myself. That no matter what I will continue to cling to hope and know that God is in control.

A song comes to mind that has spoken to my heart here lately. It's called "Even if you don't" by MercyMe. I love the part where it says "I know Your able and I know You can, save through the fire with Your mighty hand. But even if You don't my hope is You alone." "You've been faithful You've been good all my days. Jesus I will cling to You come what may. Cause I know Your able, I know You can." This song reads true to my life right now and so many others going through trials close to me.

These verses speak truth as well:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV)

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

My friends I don't know what you are going through today but can I encourage you that God sees you and cares. I pray that you too see God's hand in even the little things in your journey and that you hold tight to the answered prayers along the way.

Blessings and love today. Till next time.
Crystal

 Us celebrating Independence day recently

Grace

As most of you know we came home from the mission field of Estonia a few weeks ago. This decision was made after much time in prayer and counsel with our pastor and mentor as well as the BMAA. While this decision was hard to make and the realization of having to make such a decision was hard, we feel like we are following God's direction in coming home.

We spent much time in prayer after Christmas in this decision. Honestly I did not know what to write about during that time so I just stopped writing at all. When praying this through and seeking counsel for this decision we had to explore where God was working in Estonia and where we would best be used by God. We learned a lot from doing kids club and running a kids program on our own with Bible curriculum, songs, games, craft and snack. We also learned a lot from hosting a small group with our friends weekly where we dug into God's Word together and did life together. But when we sat down and looked at our strengths and the vision that God gave us for Estonia we realized that the Estonians were already doing the discipleship, training, and church planting on their own. Also there was a cultural shift in the way foreigners were seen as well which hindered our presence in ministry and any chance of partnerships in the future. We kept coming back to the thought of why would God have brought us all the way back here just to realize we are not needed here? It just did not make sense. Still sometimes it does not make sense but the only conclusion we could come to was that God in His grace allowed us to come and see the fruits of the work we were a part of in our first term as missionaries in Estonia and see how the Estonians are making great strides at reaching their own now so that we could have peace with passing the baton to them and be fully ready to be used by Him at home in whatever He calls us to next.

If I am frankly honest at first I was angry about this. I could not believe that we sold everything in order to live on  mission and then to come home so soon and have to start all over! I was frustrated. But after a few days of working through that in prayer and reading the Bible I felt awful for being so selfish. Christ died for me and my sin so that I may have eternal life with Him. This life is not mine but His.

Through this transition I have felt much like I am ashamed we are coming home. Afraid of what others might think. We went to Estonia twice and came home twice. What a failure! If I choose to focus on these thoughts my days go pretty bad. I have instead tried to focus on the truth. We both know we were being obedient to God when He said go to Estonia and when He said come back home. I must trust in Him and His words in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I may not understand the Why or know God's plan for us now. But I do know He is in control and I can rest in Him. We both have a heart for Estonia and their people and Estonia will always have a piece of our heart. We both also have a heart for missions and will continue to serve God in our every day lives and any way he asks us too.

Justin will be going back to school for his doctorate to teach in a Seminary and/or church setting and raise disciples which is his passion and calling. I am returning to nursing. I am grateful to have received a position back at the hospital with moms and babies like I feel God has called me to.

One thing I have been so overcome by is God's grace in this transition. From the invaluable mentor-ship and love from our pastor and church, our supporters, our families support, logistics of travel and container, and our friends support both in Estonia and here, God's grace has been apparent. He made every hurdle seamless and we will continue to press into Him for guidance. Transitions are tough for me. These three passages have carried me through these past few weeks: Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."; Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path."; and 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

I don't know where you find yourself today. Maybe you too are going through a transition. Maybe you are feeling unloved and unwanted. Friend it could not be further from the truth! You are loved by a God who loved you so much He sent His Son to die for you!! Press into truth and let your light shine!!

We thank you for the prayers and support for our family. Peace and love today.

A Season of Hope

Christmastime can sometimes seem like a whole lot of hustle and bustle. It can be stressful trying to figure out who to buy what and when to go where. Some are struggling with missing their family that may have passed away earlier in the year and some may be going through an illness.

The beautiful thing for Christians is that if we remember the true meaning of Christmas we can find hope even in the darkest days. For Christians, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Jesus, God's Son, was born in a manger. He lived a life faced with every temptation we are faced with here on earth and did not sin. He then died a horrible death on a cross in order to be the perfect sacrifice for our sin. Now if we believe in Him and ask for forgiveness for our sins we can have an intimate relationship with God and have a home in Heaven when we die.

The celebration of Christ's birth is the story of hope. It is everything to me. I hope that each of you get to share Christ's love with someone this holiday season. Remember everyone may not have the hope you hold inside. Share Christ's love with others always.

We celebrated Christmas this Saturday at kids club. It was our last time to meet for the year. We thank God for the blessings these kids bring to the world and pray that he will use them for His glory! We will be home for a few weeks for our vacation. We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

 We made Christmas ornaments

 Playing musical chairs

 Building Christmas trees with cups

 Decorated Gingerbread cookies for snack

JOY to the world!

Obeying and Waiting

Since my last post we have started the kids club. We actually heard from one of the places we contacted about having the club at a few days after my last post. They asked us to come meet with them. When we met with them they had already decided to rent the building to us they just wanted us to tour the facilities. It is a day care in a close by neighborhood. We were very excited and started meeting the first Saturday in October. We had about 11 kids registered and have had attendance of 7-9 kids each time. We meet every first and third Saturday during the school year.

We are enjoying learning how to run a kids program ourselves and love working with the kids. Most, if not all, of the kids are American but we are hopeful that with time God will send more Estonian kids too. We just have to trust and wait for Him on that.

We also have been praying about how to help other missionaries in our area. We felt from prayer that it would be better to come together and work together for kids outreach in the area. We are still working out details but we have agreed to help with once a quarter events during school breaks here for a kids day and to help with their summer camp in June. They have been here in Estonia since we were here the first time and we have known them since then. They just started a church in the area we are in around the time we started our small group in the area so it makes sense to help each other out and support one another. We already helped them with the first school break kids day of the year and eleven kids came.

Estonia can be a very difficult place to be as a foreigner. Often we feel alone. We get discouraged and confused at times as to why we are here. But we know God has a plan and even though we may not see it at the moment, we must continue to trust Him and wait on Him. We just simply want to be used by Him.

Right now we have the kids in events at the schools here. Elaina and Braeden take ceramics at a European school. Lorelei is taking dance at an Estonian school. Kayla was going to youth group and becoming familiar with it but then they abruptly stopped meeting. This was discouraging but she is babysitting for friends of ours and we hope to find an activity she will enjoy to enroll her in in the spring. We are still having small group and the kids club and just waiting for growth.

Waiting can be one of the most difficult things. But God grows us and strengthens us during the time we wait. Sometimes it seems like the vision God gave us in coming here just is not going to happen. That may be, but God can do anything and we must be obedient to do what He asks us to do and then let Him be responsible for the results. Honestly I don't know right now what we are here for, but God does and He will reveal that to us. It may be something totally different than we imagined too. So now we just pray and pray continually for God to show us how He wants to use us here and how to show His love to others. Please pray with us!!

We love you and thank you for your prayers and support! We are looking forward to being home in December for a few weeks for our vacation for renewal and family time!

 Kayla turned 14!! She wanted cherry cheesecake so that's just what she got!

 First Kids club meeting learning about God Made Everything

 Singing Making Melodies in My Heart

 Adam and Eve craft

 Game time!

There is a sledding hill close by our house. We took the kids sledding and they had a blast!

We had about a foot of snow for a few weeks but it is melting now. This is the view from our front window.

Thy Will Be Done

Well we're wrapping up summer here. We were blessed to have Justin's dad and step mom visit us here for a few weeks in August. It was good to have time with them. The kids enjoyed being with their Pepaw and Grandma and Justin and I enjoyed them too! We were able to do most things we had planned but the girls got sick after a day trip to Finland and that made us unable to go to Sweden with them. Luckily we were able to transfer the trip to Sweden to a later time in the year but we still felt bad his parents did not get to go. We did take them to other sites in Tallinn and to a city on one of the islands here - Kuressaare. Overall I think they had a great time and we enjoyed it too.

The kids with Pepaw and Grandma at the castle in Kuressaare

Us in Kuressaare

The girls made a friend on the boat on the way to Finland and the child's mom asked us if we could meet once or twice a month for her daughter to play with the girls and learn English! This folks was a huge answer to prayer! I have been praying specifically for each child to have at least one friend here. So praise to God for answered prayer. They have already come and played once and I'm sure they will play many more times.

We have just been enjoying the summer together and planning for future ministry. We had the opportunity to be a part of a community event and felt it was a good idea to have a booth for the church there and give out free water, juice, and church info. The weather when registering for the event was warm and sunny. The day of the event however was stormy, cold, and windy. Oh how I prayed most of the night prior to the event for God to make it a good day. I felt His presence saying to me that even if it was not a good weather day to still do as He asked. The song "Thy Will Be Done" kept playing over and over in my head. That morning the weather was okay, not good but not too bad. We decided to go out and set up. As soon as we got set up our tent blew away with a big gust of wind. We quickly got it set back up. We decided to make the most of it and stay as long as we could. The weather continued to decline. There was not much traffic at the event from consumers but the vendors noticed us there. They had this look like, "Why are these people out here, in this weather, giving away something for free?" One vendor came and looked at our booth and our church info. He also asked us if everything was free and we said yes. He just smiled and went on to the next booth. We literally stood there holding down the booth against the winds for about four hours. At that point many were leaving so we decided to leave as well. We did not give away one water or juice.

Our booth at the Fair Day

The signs we made for the Fair Day and future events

At first I was so disappointed about the event. So much excitement and planning and nothing to show. With time God showed me that just by being obedient and showing up He had the results He wanted. Others saw us there and we learned many things. One, we need a commercial grade tent for events like that. Two, events like that do bring in a lot of people if the weather is good and make a presence of the church in the community. Three, total dependence on God does not always have the results I expect and that's okay.

The kids playing gaga ball at the church camp

We have also been praying and planning the kids club for some time now. Without going into too many details we have explored a few options about place, timing, & partnerships with the club. None of these options have seemed to be an open door right now. This has been something we do not want to rush and I have been feeling God tell us to wait on His timing for this. That is very hard because we both know God has given us a clear vision for the club and how to do it. But He has not given us the vision for exactly where to do it or when. So we wait...And I'm reminded again of the song I mentioned earlier. Particularly the chorus which goes like this, "I know you hear me, I know you see me Lord, Your plans are for me, Goodness you have in store, So, Thy will be done."

It can be hard to wait when you are so ready to get started and going but sometimes a closed door means God has something so much better in store!

Our prayer requests  would be for us to be continually drawn closer to God and be willing to listen and hear His voice of direction, For the kids for the school year which we will start next week. For upcoming opportunities for the kids to get into extracurricular activities. For my language test which is this Sunday! I'm nervous but ready. For on-going growth with the small group and ministry in general here. We love you and miss you all! We are grateful for your support.

Summer Fun

The kids finished up their year in school. Kayla finished her eighth grade year, Braeden his fifth grade year, and Ellie finished first grade. All of them did very well and we are very proud of them. Next year we will be switching to a different program. This program is the one we used for reading with Ellie this year and uses work books. This program is accredited so that Kayla can start high school and graduate from there. We have prayed about this decision and feel that is is best for all of them.

Our language test results came through. We both passed!! I am still studying for the higher level test I will take in September. Justin took the higher level test. Our instructor was pleased with our results and we will have a break this summer and start up language school again at the end of August to prepare for my test.

Family Day went smoothly. We had two families attend. One is the family that is part of our small group. The other was a new family. They seemed to have a good time. They seemed interested in the small group but have not come yet. We will continue to grow that relationship and pray for God's blessing.

I have to admit, after the family day I was a little discouraged. We knew that ministry is slow here but I still had high hopes. We did have some logistical problems with advertising that we know now how to overcome and we did have a good time visiting with the families there. If there were more families it may have not been feasible to have the quality of time we did have. Through prayer and Bible reading God made it clear that we are called to be obedient to what He asks us to do. He alone is in charge of the results. What a freeing realization that can be.

Though it is tough to see the slow growth here and easy to compare to others in warmer regions where they have fast results, we know God called us here and wants to minister to His people here through us. We are continuing to plan for the kids club in the fall this year and praying for other opportunities.

We were reading and ran across an interesting statement: If your church died tomorrow would anyone notice? This got us thinking. Right now no, probably not. The book was focusing on serving others and through that God using that service to bring others to Him. It has been weighing on our hearts to find ways to serve others here as a family and also as a part of our small group. We are praying for God's guidance on this as it can be a daunting task and take up much time if not focused on what He truly wants us to do. Would you pray with us for this? More than anything we just want to be used by God. We are here and ready to serve.

We hope to get the kids involved in activities this fall which hopefully will help them make friends and meet others. Please pray for this. I pray every night that God would place one friend at least in each of our kids lives here. It is very important for them to have friends. They are growing so fast and play well together, but I know they miss their friends and would love to have some here. I cannot believe this coming year I will have a ninth grader, sixth grader, and second grader! This mom feels old!

Thank you for your prayers and support! We love and miss you all!

 The kids at the Family day

 Kayla did face painting

 We had four games: bowling, golf, ring toss and throw the ball in the bucket. We also had face painting  craft and balloon animals

 The 23rd was the celebration of the summer solstice here called Jaanipäev. We went out to the neighborhood celebration and met up with some fellow missionaries here.

 They light a big bonfire.

People sit around and have a picnic, play, dance to music etc... Here the kids are waiting for the fire to be lit. Believe it or not it is about nine o'clock in these pictures. This was the longest day of the year. From here on out the days will get shorter. 

Choosing Light Amidst Darkness

The last month has flown by. Our language tests went well, we think. We will not get the scores till the beginning of June. The kids have two more weeks of school and then we will have summer break. Our family day event is next Saturday and we have been preparing a craft and games for that.

As we move closer to the event it has been exciting but also a little scary. Sometimes I think "What if no one shows up?" I know it sounds ridiculous, but that thought creeps in sometimes. Then I am reminded that we must be faithful and do what God has called us to do and let Him handle the rest. While advertising for the event we used Facebook for the first time to advertise. We had a moment there where we got some bad responses and then even a whole post about whether or not events such as ours and another churches should be allowed to be held in public places such as schools or culture centers here. It really struck us as odd at first that many were making a big deal.  Our event is being held at the culture center, which is rented to individuals or businesses for events, classes, etc. It was only mentioned as part of the original post and never really talked about in the comments. The school was the major issue it seemed. Sadly, a church had to move to a new location because of this.

At first when all of this was happening we were discouraged. It made us wonder "Why are we doing this?" Then we were quickly reminded that we are in one of Satan's strongholds. Why should we listen to the thoughts of a few instead of listening to Him who called us to be here? We prayed for the other church and they quickly found a new place of worship. God is faithful my friends! We have continually sought God and His wisdom and as of now we have not heard anything more of it being a problem to meet at the culture center. Our event is next Saturday so please be in prayer for that. Also be in prayer as we move forward to starting the kid's club there in the fall.

Our small group continues to go well. I am enjoying getting to know our friends. I am grateful God put them in our lives. They are a blessing to us. Please pray as we continue to seek God's guidance for when and how to hold information meetings about the small group.

Home life seems so much different to me this time. I am used to having a little one to care for and take up much of my time when I'm home. I'm also used to working. The kids are older now and don't need me as much. They play well together and then we have a teenager as well! Yikes! It's given me too much time, I think, to dwell on my mistakes and lack of skills as a mom. I have been listening to the lies that I'm nothing now that I'm not a nurse anymore, I will never be a good mother, I am not a good teacher, I am not enough..and the list can go on and on. I let those lies creep in my heart and it just makes me feel miserable. I began looking and searching for an online job in nursing. I really enjoyed nursing and was pretty good at it. I worked so hard for my degree and loved my job. Surely I could find something right? Nope. Pretty much you have to live in America even to work online as a nurse at least from what I found. While looking for jobs and getting discouraged and down at every turn, I was exhausted mentally. God kept whispering in my heart that I have this time to focus on Him and grow with Him and through Him He will achieve His will for my life.

I thought, "Okay, but can I at least have something, some middle ground?" I just keep hearing Him whisper to let my nursing career be on hold for now and when I need it, it will still be there. For now I have the opportunity to be fully in with my kids and husband. I have a choice to choose joy or choose to look at this chance as a hindrance. "But I don't feel like a good mom. I don't have a passion for teaching my kids at home." I often say these things to God and He shows me that yes, on my own I will never be enough, but with Him I am enough. As long as I set my eyes on Him for guidance and strength, He will supply my needs. I love my kids and even though I don't like teaching that much I know that it is making our relationship stronger and helping me to disciple them in the Lord. That is what I have been called to do right now. So when Satan starts to put those lies in my mind I have to focus on the Word of God and choose joy! Yep I choose joy!

Our A2 group sent us some goodies from America, a card from the church, and a card from themselves. Nothing can brighten my soul more than getting a card from our home church with notes written in it from the kids in the Awana club and their leaders and of course our A2 family. We are blessed to have such a loving church family. We thank you all for your prayers and support!

 We have been going to the park down the street from our house a lot

 Tent time!

Someone turned 36!

Our goodies from home!