We spent much time in prayer after Christmas in this decision. Honestly I did not know what to write about during that time so I just stopped writing at all. When praying this through and seeking counsel for this decision we had to explore where God was working in Estonia and where we would best be used by God. We learned a lot from doing kids club and running a kids program on our own with Bible curriculum, songs, games, craft and snack. We also learned a lot from hosting a small group with our friends weekly where we dug into God's Word together and did life together. But when we sat down and looked at our strengths and the vision that God gave us for Estonia we realized that the Estonians were already doing the discipleship, training, and church planting on their own. Also there was a cultural shift in the way foreigners were seen as well which hindered our presence in ministry and any chance of partnerships in the future. We kept coming back to the thought of why would God have brought us all the way back here just to realize we are not needed here? It just did not make sense. Still sometimes it does not make sense but the only conclusion we could come to was that God in His grace allowed us to come and see the fruits of the work we were a part of in our first term as missionaries in Estonia and see how the Estonians are making great strides at reaching their own now so that we could have peace with passing the baton to them and be fully ready to be used by Him at home in whatever He calls us to next.
If I am frankly honest at first I was angry about this. I could not believe that we sold everything in order to live on mission and then to come home so soon and have to start all over! I was frustrated. But after a few days of working through that in prayer and reading the Bible I felt awful for being so selfish. Christ died for me and my sin so that I may have eternal life with Him. This life is not mine but His.
Through this transition I have felt much like I am ashamed we are coming home. Afraid of what others might think. We went to Estonia twice and came home twice. What a failure! If I choose to focus on these thoughts my days go pretty bad. I have instead tried to focus on the truth. We both know we were being obedient to God when He said go to Estonia and when He said come back home. I must trust in Him and His words in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I may not understand the Why or know God's plan for us now. But I do know He is in control and I can rest in Him. We both have a heart for Estonia and their people and Estonia will always have a piece of our heart. We both also have a heart for missions and will continue to serve God in our every day lives and any way he asks us too.
Justin will be going back to school for his doctorate to teach in a Seminary and/or church setting and raise disciples which is his passion and calling. I am returning to nursing. I am grateful to have received a position back at the hospital with moms and babies like I feel God has called me to.
One thing I have been so overcome by is God's grace in this transition. From the invaluable mentor-ship and love from our pastor and church, our supporters, our families support, logistics of travel and container, and our friends support both in Estonia and here, God's grace has been apparent. He made every hurdle seamless and we will continue to press into Him for guidance. Transitions are tough for me. These three passages have carried me through these past few weeks: Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."; Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path."; and 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
I don't know where you find yourself today. Maybe you too are going through a transition. Maybe you are feeling unloved and unwanted. Friend it could not be further from the truth! You are loved by a God who loved you so much He sent His Son to die for you!! Press into truth and let your light shine!!
We thank you for the prayers and support for our family. Peace and love today.