Even if You Don't

These past few months have been a time of adjustment and searching for answers for my family. We have been grateful to have family and friends that have made our adjustment home welcoming. But we still find ourselves searching for how best to serve God and feeling unused at times. I have been working and Justin has been looking for a position but still we are left waiting and sometimes that can be frustrating.

On top of all of this I have been having some things medically going on with myself which have left us in and out of doctor appointments with many tests but no answers yet. One of the possible diagnoses is one that is quite alarming to me. I became obsessed with looking up everything I could about this disease and getting even more anxious. The symptoms continued to add up and I finally got to the point where I broke down to God while praying and asked him for peace. That if this was what he was giving me I had no strength to carry on but I know He knows what is happening and He has a plan but I need peace.

That next day I was updating a friend who had been praying for me and a new friend to me came in and asked who had this disease I was speaking of. I advised her it may be me. Then she proceeded to ask me my symptoms and such. I became visibly upset when describing the symptoms and she noticed. I asked her if she knew anyone with this disease and she stood up, hugged me, and whispered in my ear that she had the disease I was referring to. I immediately felt peace and knew that God had arranged that moment to give me peace. I thanked her and told her this and she shared her story with me and offered support and to be available to me if I had questions.

With all of the unknowns and unanswered prayers in my life right now I cannot tell you how much hope that one answered prayer gave me. She was used by God as a shining light in my life that day. I pray that I can be a shining light of hope to others myself. That no matter what I will continue to cling to hope and know that God is in control.

A song comes to mind that has spoken to my heart here lately. It's called "Even if you don't" by MercyMe. I love the part where it says "I know Your able and I know You can, save through the fire with Your mighty hand. But even if You don't my hope is You alone." "You've been faithful You've been good all my days. Jesus I will cling to You come what may. Cause I know Your able, I know You can." This song reads true to my life right now and so many others going through trials close to me.

These verses speak truth as well:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV)

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

My friends I don't know what you are going through today but can I encourage you that God sees you and cares. I pray that you too see God's hand in even the little things in your journey and that you hold tight to the answered prayers along the way.

Blessings and love today. Till next time.
Crystal

 Us celebrating Independence day recently

Grace

As most of you know we came home from the mission field of Estonia a few weeks ago. This decision was made after much time in prayer and counsel with our pastor and mentor as well as the BMAA. While this decision was hard to make and the realization of having to make such a decision was hard, we feel like we are following God's direction in coming home.

We spent much time in prayer after Christmas in this decision. Honestly I did not know what to write about during that time so I just stopped writing at all. When praying this through and seeking counsel for this decision we had to explore where God was working in Estonia and where we would best be used by God. We learned a lot from doing kids club and running a kids program on our own with Bible curriculum, songs, games, craft and snack. We also learned a lot from hosting a small group with our friends weekly where we dug into God's Word together and did life together. But when we sat down and looked at our strengths and the vision that God gave us for Estonia we realized that the Estonians were already doing the discipleship, training, and church planting on their own. Also there was a cultural shift in the way foreigners were seen as well which hindered our presence in ministry and any chance of partnerships in the future. We kept coming back to the thought of why would God have brought us all the way back here just to realize we are not needed here? It just did not make sense. Still sometimes it does not make sense but the only conclusion we could come to was that God in His grace allowed us to come and see the fruits of the work we were a part of in our first term as missionaries in Estonia and see how the Estonians are making great strides at reaching their own now so that we could have peace with passing the baton to them and be fully ready to be used by Him at home in whatever He calls us to next.

If I am frankly honest at first I was angry about this. I could not believe that we sold everything in order to live on  mission and then to come home so soon and have to start all over! I was frustrated. But after a few days of working through that in prayer and reading the Bible I felt awful for being so selfish. Christ died for me and my sin so that I may have eternal life with Him. This life is not mine but His.

Through this transition I have felt much like I am ashamed we are coming home. Afraid of what others might think. We went to Estonia twice and came home twice. What a failure! If I choose to focus on these thoughts my days go pretty bad. I have instead tried to focus on the truth. We both know we were being obedient to God when He said go to Estonia and when He said come back home. I must trust in Him and His words in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I may not understand the Why or know God's plan for us now. But I do know He is in control and I can rest in Him. We both have a heart for Estonia and their people and Estonia will always have a piece of our heart. We both also have a heart for missions and will continue to serve God in our every day lives and any way he asks us too.

Justin will be going back to school for his doctorate to teach in a Seminary and/or church setting and raise disciples which is his passion and calling. I am returning to nursing. I am grateful to have received a position back at the hospital with moms and babies like I feel God has called me to.

One thing I have been so overcome by is God's grace in this transition. From the invaluable mentor-ship and love from our pastor and church, our supporters, our families support, logistics of travel and container, and our friends support both in Estonia and here, God's grace has been apparent. He made every hurdle seamless and we will continue to press into Him for guidance. Transitions are tough for me. These three passages have carried me through these past few weeks: Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid;do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."; Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path."; and 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

I don't know where you find yourself today. Maybe you too are going through a transition. Maybe you are feeling unloved and unwanted. Friend it could not be further from the truth! You are loved by a God who loved you so much He sent His Son to die for you!! Press into truth and let your light shine!!

We thank you for the prayers and support for our family. Peace and love today.