I am not alone

These past few months have went by quickly at times and sometimes seemed to crawl. It has been a time of many ups and downs for me. I have been in the valleys of culture shock and some days it takes its toll. For those who may be unfamiliar with the term culture shock, I would describe it as when your heart and mind realize that you are no longer at a comfortable place (home) and decide that you need to get there as fast as possible because you cannot bear the reality you are in any longer. It goes from frustration to daily changes to full blown anger or depression at times. I had the assumption that this time coming back to the mission field would be easier due to us already knowing what to expect culturally and such, and it has for the most part. But for me culture shock has hit me in a form of depression and stress. Because I'm more of an introvert I tend to want to isolate myself when I'm stressed. This can make it difficult when I'm home with the kids and all I really want is to be alone.

I don't say this to worry anyone or for sympathy. Actually I think it is good for others to see that life is not always perfect for anyone. Sometimes we put people we perceive as happier or better than us to be perfect. But in actuality all of us have struggles. No one is perfect, if we were then we would not need Jesus! To work through this culture shock I have started working out regularly, which helps with my stress. I have also been reading God's word and praying regularly. There have been many tears and also many laughs. One thing I am sure of is that I am not alone. God is with me, always! I love the song by Kari Jobe "I am Not Alone." On the days when I'm down and feel like I'm in this struggle alone, God quickly brings that song to mind and tells me He is near.

I have also been feeling guilty because my kids have seen me struggle and seen my distance from them due to it. Lorelei asked Ellie the other day while I was fixing her hair, "Is mommy still happy or angry again?" I asked her why she would say that and she said, "Because your always angry in the morning!" This broke my heart. It has been an adjustment going from working to being home all the time again. Sometimes I feel like a part of me is missing. But I love my kids and never want them to feel like a burden. I am trying to adjust and trying to be the best mother and wife I can and God is showing me to rely on Him when I feel like I'm not enough. He is showing me to see the joy in life and stop focusing on the hardship. I am reading the book "You and Me Forever" by Francis & Lisa Chan and I read this excerpt after having that discussion with Lorelei: "Following Jesus means that we put aside our personal desires and trust that the end result will be better." It goes on to say, "Jesus spoke about more than feelings and emotions. He spoke of literal sacrifices that would disrupt our lives and possibly end them."

I really needed to hear this! Sometimes I have this mindset that if it is hard then maybe it is not right.I miss my family a lot and feel tremendous guilt over not being there for special events, holidays, etc. But I know and readily remember God calling not just Justin here but me too! I know this is where I'm supposed to be and God will help me adjust.

God has also been showing me such grace during this time. This He has been doing through my wonderful husband! Justin has been there for me in many ways. He has been a sounding board for me and makes me laugh when I feel like crying. He holds me as I cry and shows me grace when I am frustrated and not so pleasant. He truly is an example of Christ's love to me and I love him very much! We just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary and I can honestly say that he represents the biblical picture of what marriage should be. I am working on being the best wife for him and am excited about the future and how God will use him here in Estonia.

I will continue to press on. I will continue to choose God and His love daily. I will continue to let Him mold me and make me the mother, wife, and child of Christ He wants me to be! Thank you for the prayers and love each of you send to our family!

 Braeden and his friend playing at Lorelei and Ellie's birthday party

 One birthday girl

 And our other birthday girl with her friend and Kayla

 Two of my princesses

 My gift for our anniversary a beautiful new ring

 We went to Finland for the day for our anniversary and went to Sea Life. Here are the sea horses.

 Ellie having fun at Sea Life

Lorelei smiling with the fish

New Year, New House

I'm sorry this post is a little late this month but there is a really good reason for this. The house we were living in here had problems with the septic system which made it very hard to live in any longer.

Christmas was good. We were very blessed and the kids had many gifts from our families. It is so hard to be away from family at the holidays for me. I really think that is the hardest part of living far away. When I think of holidays I think of family. We had a quiet Christmas with just ourselves. We Skyped with our families and were grateful to see them at least.

After Christmas is when we started weighing the decision to move. We had been praying about this decision for a few months. The problem with the septic became apparent after being in the house for three weeks. They had said that the septic should be emptied every six months or so but with our family size it may be more like every four months. Well after three weeks of being in the house it needed to be emptied. At first we thought maybe it hadn't been emptied in a while prior to us moving in, but two weeks later it began overflowing into the house again! This time we really thought something was wrong with the house, maybe a blockage or something, but no, the septic was full again! This continued every two weeks. Every time it had to be emptied the house would stink awfully for most of the day. The house would begin to smell again prior to needing to be emptied again as well. The fumes gave us headaches and it just was too much. We spoke to the landlord and really the only option was to attach the house to central sewage, which was expensive and he did not want to do this. We thought maybe we could tough it out through the contact till September but one morning after the sewage was being emptied I went upstairs fumigating everything and found Braeden in the bathroom corner crying on the floor because the smell was so bad! That's when we decided enough was enough and we had to move.

As soon as we made the decision to move literally two feet of snow fell on the ground in a few days! No joke! We went from no snow to two feet of snow all while planning a move. The move went smoothly but it was exhausting with all of the shoveling of snow and such on top of moving! Now of course that we are settled the snow has stopped and is melting! Ha! The kids are a little disappointed that we were so busy moving when the snow was here that they didn't get to go sledding and such. Who knows maybe it will come back again?

We have officially been in our new place for two weeks now. Yesterday we finally got internet and TV service which was the last thing we were waiting on. The new place is in the part of town we really like. There is a park right down the street and walking paths on the streets. It is close to town and the airport as well. There are many young families in this area too. The house is called a partial house because we are living on the second story of a two story house. It sounds weird but is much like a duplex, but instead of being side by side, were on top. This house is much smaller than the other house, but still has plenty of room for our needs. The price is half of what we were paying before which will allow us to save for a down payment to buy something in the future. The rental market here is fast and can be hard for families, so we feel it is important to plan to buy in the future.

We are grateful to be settled again and pray that we will be able to stay at this place for a while and put some roots down. Moving twice in three months is not easy! Not to mention that we have moved twelve times in the fifteen years we have been married! Whew! I joked with Justin when I realized that and told him I had no idea I married a nomad when I married him! All joking aside though we are very blessed and humbled by God's graciousness to us through everything. We thank you all for your prayers and support! 

 All the snow!

 Ellie on the patio

 Braeden thought he would swim in the snow

 Tour of the new house, Living room

 Living room

 Kitchen/ Dining room

 Kayla's side of her and Braeden's room with some Pinterest inspired art

 Braeden's side of the room with  Pinterest inspired art

 The girl's room is the smallest room in the house but it works

 Some more Pinterest inspired art. We did the art together on cardboard from moving! We had fun!

 Our room

 Justin's office in our room

 Avalanche is also feeling at home here!

Thankfulness, Sickness, and Decorating Oh My!

We have certainly been busy this past month! As Thanksgiving was approaching I really started to feel homesick. For me the holidays are the hardest being away from family. It is hard to get excited about the planning and all knowing that it will not be the same without our families. That is usually why I try to invite others to spend the holiday with us. Estonians don't traditionally celebrate thanksgiving so we invited another family that is also serving here as missionaries and it just so happens they are also from Texas! They are dear friends of ours and I was hoping that getting together would be a blessing to them. Turns out it was an even bigger blessing for me. I am very happy to say we had a great time and the kids played well together too. We were able to Skype with each of our families later that evening as well, which was priceless. It was great getting to have a little piece of home by speaking to our families and seeing them.

After thanksgiving we all were sick for about a week on and off. Just the crud I think but some of us had it worse than the others. I am thankful to say we are all better now! We also had our first snow around Thanksgiving. Not much and it didn't stay long, but the kids still enjoyed it!

The day after Thanksgiving we always decorate the tree. It is a tradition that I remember from being a kid that we have carried into our family now. Most of my ornaments came from my memaw. She bought us each an ornament as we grew up and gave them to us when we turned 18. They bring back so many memories. We also buy a family ornament each year so we have fourteen of those now! We buy the kids an ornament each year too so that we can given them to them when they turn 18. We watch a Christmas movie after decorating and just enjoy time together. I hope that my kids cherish this time and remember it when they have families of their own like I do.

We are still going to language school and it is getting better. We could not have asked for a better teacher. She teaches towards Justin's level, which is way higher than mine, but then helps me along the way. I am learning to speak more and understanding more. We also have been building on relationships we had last time we lived here. It has been great to get to know them and their child better.

Home school is in full swing. Teaching a child to read to me is by far the hardest thing I have ever done! It was difficult with Kayla and Braeden, but not as hard as it has been this time with Ellie. I was really down about it and trying to figure out what to do. I would pray for patience on my end and hers and to find something that worked for her. When it came down to it I realized the curriculum we use now was not the same one we used for Kayla or Braeden when learning how to read. The curriculum we used for them had a lot of repetition which was lacking in our current curriculum and I think something Ellie really needs. So we decided to buy that curriculum for Ellie and give it a try. We started the new curriculum this week and so far so good! Please continue to pray for this as it is very important that we find something that works for her.

We thank you for all of your prayers and support! We hope each of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Even big kids like snow!

 Enough for Ellie to make a small snow ball

Our church sent letters to the kids. They enjoyed them very much!

 Our tree

The lights we put outside on the house

Where did October go?

It has been a fast a furious month here. Our shipment arrived and we finally have it unpacked. We are feeling more settled in the house now. It is such a relief to be able to cook and use more than the one pan and one pot we had until our stuff got here. The kids feel more at home with their toys as well.

We started language school. Well Justin and I did. We go two days a week for an hour and a half each time. The first few lessons were very hard for me but then it started to get easier. Our teacher is very nice and patient. She even recognized after our third lesson that I was able to respond better. I can understand a lot I am just so afraid of making a mistake when talking I let it paralyze me. I have been praying a lot that God would help me with this and it is coming, slowly but coming.

We finished our first week of school here. Ellie is now in first grade, Braeden fifth grade, and Kayla is in eight grade. Justin and I both teach them to help get school done smoothly and timely. They did wonderful this week and I pray they will have a great year!

Our beautiful Kayla turned 13!! I cannot believe she is growing up so fast! She is a huge help to us and we love her very much. She plans to go to college to be a vet assistant, vet, or nurse. She has not decided yet. She is definitely bright enough to do anything I can tell you that. I am very proud to be her mom and so unworthy.

We are enjoying going to church here and I go to Sunday school with the kids to translate for them. This has been a source of anxiety for me but each time the people are gracious and kind and help me if I do not understand. The kids have been enjoying getting to learn and play with other kids and I have enjoyed watching them.

The weather has turned colder and most of the leaves have fallen from the trees. The kids did get a chance to jump in  pile of leaves and have enjoyed fall so far. Thank you for the prayers and support!

 Lorelei and Ellie enjoying yogurt after first day of school

 Lorelei and Ellie riding a merry go round at the mall

 Our beautiful birthday girl!!

 Kayla the eighth grader

 Braeden the fifth grader

The kids playing in the leaves

Goodbyes and Hellos

I don't know about you but some of the hardest things that I have had to do in my life involve saying goodbye or hello. We arrived here in Estonia on September 21. The weeks leading up to our departure involved several hard moments of saying goodbye. Some of these moments were great moments that we will always remember with our loved ones. Some of the goodbyes were hard and strained due to the lack of understanding about why we are moving and going to do what we are doing. At the end of the day it was just hard. On one side I felt guilty for leaving and not knowing what may happen or what I may not be able to be there for. On the other I felt excited to be in the center of God's will doing what He called us to do and the new adventure ahead of us.

It just leaves me feeling the need to share why we are doing this to the best of my ability and answer some of the questions we get often.

Why are you going to be a missionary?

 

I get this often. I have tried to explain it I don't know how many times but it really is difficult to explain God's calling. About eleven years ago I remember that Justin and I were both working and happy but just felt unfulfilled. I began then to pray for God to show us what we should be doing with our lives. We were serving at our local church and raising Kayla. One night a missionary came to our church and shared their work. Something pulled at my heart that night. I was continuing to pray about God's will for our lives and He began to impress on me that no matter where I went He would be with me. I found this funny because I really had no intention on leaving. God continued to speak to me and show me that no matter where I went He would be with me. This went on for about a month. Then Justin and I went to dinner one night and he told me he had been praying since the missionary came to our church about missions and thought that maybe God was calling us to missions. That's when it clicked! Yes, I said God is calling us to missions because I too have been praying since the missionary came to our church and God has been preparing my heart for this moment.

So that answers how we knew what to do but not why we are doing it. The answer to that  is quite simple. We could either choose to not follow God's will for our lives and continue to live our lives the way we want or we could choose to trust and follow God and allow Him to use us as He wants. Now I said that the answer is simple but the actual choice and going through with it is very hard. I would be lying if I told you it was smooth sailing to get back here and that everything we did was greatly blessed. It was a long road to get back to here and God used each bump to help conform us to be more like Him so that we would be more moldable and useable here. It is just as painful for us if not more to not be able to be there for the birthdays, graduations, hugs and  kisses, family reunions, deaths, and just life in general of the ones that we love.

So Why? Why choose to follow God?

 

Well let me tell you something very personal to me that may explain this. When I was a teenager I was bullied a lot. I was not skinny, had curly hair, and braces. I felt like I was worthless and could not imagine that if there was a God why would he put me through this. I did not go to church regularly but did go from time to time with friends. I was feeling so down that I thought the only way out was to end my life. I was concerned about doing this though till I was certain I would not go to hell. I began to search for answers but would always get mixed results. some said if you killed yourself no matter what you went to hell. Some said there was never any way to ever know. Things escalated and one day I had had enough. I was in the hallway and some kids came down the hall barking at me like I was a dog in front of everyone. I had to end my pain and it had to be that night. I stood in my room about to slit my wrist and felt a tug to just go ask one more time how to know I would go to heaven. I went to my grandmothers room and she opened her Bible and showed me from the book of Romans how to be saved. It clicked. I went to my room and layed on my bed crying out to Jesus and asking Him to forgive me for wanting to end my life and asked Him to save it! He did! It was as if He was right there hugging me and comforting me. He told me then that He created me for a reason and He would get me through.

So how can I say no to God when He is calling me to share His love with others?

 

I cannot. He saved my life I owe Him everything! And that my friends is why we are moving to Estonia to serve God.

Since arriving here we have been getting settled and transitioning. God has provided for us a car and house to rent. We had friends who met us at the airport and welcomed us here. They are such a blessing to us! The kids are settling in and we have begun to do our workbooks until we get our curriculum on our shipment. Next we will be preparing for language study and work. We are very excited to see God work here in Estonia and are humbled that He chose us to be part of His plan. We are just regular people with normal faults who have chosen to follow God. Above anything else I want our lives to reflect that. This blog will be used to update about our life here and a place where I can share my heart. I hope that it is a blessing to others. Thank you for the prayers and support!

 

 

 Our kids playing at the park here in Estonia.

Our God is a God of Second Chances

It is with much excitement that I share with you today about our future plans. If you are close to me you probably know that we have been in the process for a few years now trying to find God's path for our lives. In 2012, we began the process of becoming missionaries again due to the fact that we kept feeling the burden of God telling us to go back to His original call on our lives which was missions. This road was a bumpy road and we continued to be hopeful and tried to be open minded to all areas of missions. After much prayer, training, and time we realized that God did not just call us to missions, He called us to be missionaries to the Estonian people. The burden we felt for Estonia never left our hearts. It has weighed heavily on our hearts since coming home in 2011.

We knew that if this was meant to be, God would have to be the one to make it work. We did not imagine it would happen so quickly. Once we advised the missions office of our thoughts and what was weighing on our hearts in August we were approved as missionary candidates to Estonia in September! We could not be more ecstatic!

The whole process of support for missionaries has changed since the last time we were missionaries which is something that is very good for us. Now the church that sends you is your partner in ministry and, gives not only financial, but ministry, prayer, and individual support. This is something we did not have last time. Also the way we are supported is different. Missionaries now raise 65% of their salary and all other funds. This is done by forming partners with other individuals and churches who feel led to get behind God's vision He has given us for Estonia and choose to give financially and prayerfully.

This is where we are at now. We are looking for partners to join us on the mission God has called us to! Our vision for Estonia is Estonia For Christ:

Establishing strategic partnerships
Forming small groups
Creating communities of the Kingdom

To learn more about our vision and mission go to missionestonia.blogspot.com. The Mission: Estonia blog will be the blog of our mission work. My blog will remain to give and inside view of our family life as it did before.

I know it may seem daunting about supporting a missionary. Well, really it is simple. Could you give up two Starbucks a month and give $10 a month for support. How about giving up one fast food family dinner a month for $30 a month for support. I encourage you to pray and seek God's will on the amount to give if you feel burdened to give. Roughly we need:

10 partners @ $10 a month
10 partners @ $25 a month
10 partners @ $50 a month
10 partners @ $100 a month
10 partners @ $150 a month

You may ask, "What do I get in return?" Well, you will get updates and newsletters about the work in Estonia. You will have an insider view of the work and ministry God is doing there. You will be able to be a part of missions from your own home and have opportunities to serve in Estonia on short term trips if you choose.

If you feel like this is something that interests you we encourage you to pray about partnering with us. Together we can make an impact in Estonia! Please visit missionestonia.blogspot.com and click on the link to donate now in order to donate and become our partner. Please let us know if you plan to partner with us so that we can include you in our newsletter and updates as well as keep our budget in place. You can contact us at missionestonia@gmail.com.

Thank you for those who have been with us on this journey so far and those who will continue with us in the future!

Our past year

So it has been a long time since I have posted on here. There are several excuses I could give for that but the truth is I just did not know where to start and really did not feel like sharing. We have been back in America now more than a year. We had our fourth precious child on February 10 of this year. We named her Lorelei Elisabeth. She is beautiful and perfect just like our other two little girls God has blessed us with. She is ten months old now and into everything. She has grown so fast, just like the others. She has a sweet personality and is happy most of the time.

Since being home, much has happened in our lives. Justin first thought God wanted him to pastor a church so we began looking for one in the area. We quickly found one interested and began to pray and seek God’s will. For all that have sought God’s will you know it is a tricky thing and hard at times. We however felt that this was God’s will and were excited and happy to be starting our new stage of ministry. The kids needed more time for adjustment to America so we pulled them from public school and continued to home school them.

Things were well and the church assured us they shared the same vision we had for ministry for outreach and reaching the lost. After Lorelei was born however something changed and I cannot really put my finger on it, however through the months that followed it became apparent that those who had the most control over the church did not agree with the vision and plan we had discussed prior to us taking the position at the church. As you can imagine this made it very difficult for any change to happen and as a result we began to pray and seek God’s will of how to handle this. It continued to deteriorate at the church and we realized that despite our efforts we would be doing more good for the church by leaving rather than staying in a situation where our understanding of God’s will for our lives did not match up with the leadership’s view of how the church’s future was headed.

You can imagine how heartbroken and upset we were with this outcome. We really thought we would be at this church for years to come when we accepted the position. Maybe we were naive. We were definitely unprepared and not told the whole truth about the history of the church. Looking back there were many things that could have been different but placing blame and trying to see what could have been does not change the past.  We have just had to move on and accept the past for what it is.

During this time, we bought a house in Terrell. The reason for this was that it was as close to the church as we could get and stay within our price range for a house. We were in the house for about four months before we began to realize things were not getting better at the church and we needed to look at other ways to support our family. I began to look for a job. I went back into nursing. It took me a while to find a position but I finally got one in Mother Baby, which I love. At first I worked at a hospital in Tyler, which I would have stayed at but the one and a half hour drive began to get to me and I was falling asleep on the way home. Thankfully, after working in Tyler for three months I got a position closer to home. My new position allows me to work days, is closer to home, and allows me to be in the delivery room at times as well as work in Mother Baby. I really cannot call my position a job because I truly love it so much. It is stressful at times but I love working with new and old mom’s and helping them transition into motherhood for the first time or fourth time.

Justin during this time stayed home with the kids then he got a position at a school in order to be certified as a teacher in secondary math. With us both working we had decided to try public school again and, with Justin working at the school, the kids could go to the school district he was working for. With this, he and the kids were all commuting an hour each way to school. The smaller girls were being passed from family member to family member until we found someone to watch them from her home. Everyone was fussy and exhausted. We quickly realized this was not going to work and decided to look and try to get back to what would work for everyone and decided for Justin to stay at home with the kids and for me to work. With this, we also decided that our kids could get a better education and more attention if they were home schooled.

Therefore, that is where we are. Since Thanksgiving break the kids have been home with Justin and have began their curriculum for the year. Ellie and Lorelei have also been home and have been more grounded and able to flourish due to this. Our family is more grounded and we are able to spend quality time together, which is better than anything money could buy. We are very blessed!

We have also joined a local church. We began visiting the church back in June after leaving the other church. We really liked it and began to pray if that was where we needed to be. We joined at the end of July and have been there since then. The kids have flourished there and have made several friends. Kayla had a sleepover with some of them for her tenth birthday in October. (Yes, she is ten!!) My how time flies.

We still both feel very lost here in America. Really it stems from we feel unused as far as ministry is concerned. We feel at times as if maybe we took our own path instead of God’s when leaving the mission field. While I know, we are human and make mistakes I also know God does not and we are here for a reason. I just wish I knew what that was. I really feel at home at my new job and know that that is a big part of why I am here. However, I also know God has big plans for Justin and will use him in a mighty way. I struggle with this because I feel at times that I may hold him back because after everything that happened at the church I was hurt, and angry. I hardened my heart to outsiders and most importantly hardened my heart to God. I did not know why this was happening and instead of turning to God, praying, and seeking His grace to understand and forgive, I chose to hold onto the past and let it grow inside me and hinder my relationship with God. God has really been speaking to my heart recently and telling me it is time to let go of the past. I cannot move forward unless I forgive, give it to Him, and trust Him to provide me with the grace to move forward and trust He has a plan. In addition, God has been showing me how incredibly blessed we are. Despite everything, that has happened this past year, we have a beautiful home to live in, an incredible family, four beautiful miracles that He has entrusted us with, an incredible relationship with each other as a couple, and most of all the forgiveness for our sins through Jesus Christ! I do not know if it is the Christmas season that helped to soften my heart or if it was the continuing tug of God telling me He missed me and longed for me to seek Him and surrender to Him again, but I have decided to do just that.  I cannot hold the anger inside anymore, I have decided to forgive not only those who I saw as the problem and reason for things not working at the church, but most importantly myself. I think in my walk as a Christian that is one of the hardest things to do. Forgiving others comes easier than forgiving myself. I think this is satan’s way of holding us captive. God wants us to be free, and tells us to ask for forgiveness and it shall be given to us. He does not promise our lives will be easy, but does promise He will not put more on us than we can bear.

I have decided to hold true to this and give my anger and mistrust to God and surrender to His will no matter what that is. We are praying together for God to show us where and how He wants to use us in ministry. Neither one of us knows what that may be. We both know that our focus right now is growing our family and nurturing our kids. Raising our kids in a Christian loving home and placing God’s word in their world. That is our ministry right now. Please pray with us as we seek God’s will for our future. We may never again be the leaders of a church; we may never again be foreign missionaries, who knows what our future holds. Only God knows that, but in order for us to be a part of the future He wants, we must be willing to trust Him and surrender to Him and Him alone. I can finally say I am ready!!

God use me as you will, thank you for the many blessing you have given in my life, please forgive me for my unbelief and mistrust in you, I see now that you were there all along, beside me holding my hand, and you are here right now helping me to move forward. Thank you God for being such a wonderful Father, provider, comforter, healer, and friend. I love you and have missed you greatly, it is good to be at your side again. Amen.

 Ellie holding Lorelei for the first time

 Kayla holding Lorelei

 All four of our miracles

 Lorelei Elisabeth Owens

 Us at the fair this year

 Justin and I

 Halloween  this year

 Having fun